I'm passing your future prison.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
