Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
