On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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