My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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