i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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