fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
