Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
