I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
