Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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