Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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