I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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