Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
