Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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