she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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