Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
