She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
