I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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