im having a threesome with these popsicles
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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