I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
