i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
