i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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