omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
