shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
