Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He's a Shit stain on my heart
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
