Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
