please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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