Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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