It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
