New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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