i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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