Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
