I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
