guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You can't just leave with hair like that
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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