Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
