She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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