I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
