so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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