my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
