I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
