i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
