Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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