I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
