I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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