OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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