She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
