Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
