I'd wear matching sweaters with you
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
