bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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