Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
