Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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