OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
