I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
