happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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