You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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